I just cannot escape this

I just cannot escape this.

I just cannot escape it. At first, I thought I could just walk away. That was sooosooo many years ago. Then I felt an urgent feeling that  I needed to speed up. So I found myself running. Yet, no matter how fast I went, there it was. At first, I would just see an occasional glimpse of it, and then slowly and surly I would see it more and more  in the mirror, around every corner and in every refection. UUUUGGGGHHH!  The crone!

I am now considered an old crone, a stock character in folklore and fairy tales. I am an old woman. I am used in some stories, as disagreeable, malicious, or sinister in manner, often with magical or supernatural associations that can make me either helpful or obstructing. I am also an archetypal figure, a Wise Woman. Although, I am marginalized by my exclusion from the reproductive cycle, and my proximity to death places me in contact with occult wisdom. As a character type, I share characteristics with the hag.

I do like the title though,
Triple Goddess, 
popularized by Robert Graves and I am not sure about this but part of the neo-paganism, particularly Wicca in which she symbolizes the Dark Goddess, the dark of the moon, the end of a cycle. In New Age and Feminist spiritual circles, a "Croning" is a ritual rite of passage into an era of wisdom, freedom, and personal power.

Somehow, I do not feel useless. Neither do I feel that wise. Maybe a little more tired at the end of the day. However, I have a hard time sleeping. What is this about? I thought that I would incorporate more exercise into my life. But NO, I lay awake, because exercising more just causes a flare up of my sciatica. Also, other sports injuries I have acquired in my life just to avoid or slow her down.

I am at the end of the cycle. Things are spreading out, falling down and flapping in the breeze. Some parts of me have even developed a mind of their own and are growing in a direction they are not supposed to.

  Not that I am complaining, Ok! I guess I am. All the exercising I have done over the years useless! In addition, it used to be I could drop 10 pounds in three weeks by just cutting back on my food intake. I cannot cut back anymore! Furthermore, if I lose any weight, I just have more stuff flapping around in the breeze.

I did not go grudgingly into daughterhood, sisterhood, wifehood or motherhood. However, I will not go gentle into this rite of passage. I am going kicking, screaming and dragging my feet. 

My hair has lost its luster and bounce. I am thinking of going platinum. I might as well just cut to the chase. Right now I find more and more of these white strange scraggly things poking out of my head. They are unruly and a menace to any styling.  So, I am thinking of cutting my hair into the basic old lady short haircut.

My skin is thinning and starting to resemble something like Crape paper.  Gees Louise, if I could just go back to the occasional pimple of the past, I would be content. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and pull my skin on my face back with the palms of my hands. Oh! There I am I say.

All the supplements I have taken over the years to evade her, no relief. As if, they were magic potions. Even the special creams I have been using are just wasting my money.  I am still becoming an old crone. I cannot stop it. Every time I look in the mirror, there she is again! The old crone! This is not me, the me that I see in my mind.

Worst of all, in this new phase of my life I am in, I have to start writing down everything I need to do for the next day. This is distressing, because it takes me all day to write the list. Not to mention I have to carry it around with me because otherwise, I will be walking around mumbling under my breath asking myself what am I supposed to be doing.

I have been thinking of wearing scarves and turtlenecks, to cover up my sagging jaw line and turtle like neck. Now I know why they call them turtlenecks. To cover-up, your turtle like neck. Never been one to wear much makeup. However, I am sure considering it now. It used to be all I had to do was fluff the hair and go. Maybe a little mascara and blush.

This complete panic attack all started the other day. Like this was a complete surprise to me, duh. As if I had no clue, I was getting old. I was standing in a checkout line and reading the front of all those magazines, and then I saw Christie Brinkley on the front of one of them. She is turning 60 years old. Huh, I saw nothing spreading out, falling down or flapping in the breeze on her. Really, I thought to myself there obviously is some brush-up work on this photo. In addition, I would suspect she has seen a bunch of witch doctors that casted a no age spell on her

 Now we have all seen the pictures of plastic surgeries gone wrong, so even if I had the money, with my luck I would probably be one of those gone wrong surgeries. They would plaster my mug shot on a web site somewhere.

I began to look around and all I saw was old women. They were going about their business as if nothing was wrong. The problem came in when I realized I was one of them. We were all the same. Old woman, crones and hags. Of course, we were out shopping in the middle of the day. We have all day and all day to do it in, as the saying goes. We just have to get back home before dark, because we cannot see that well anymore at night.  We do not have jobs to fill our days.  We do not have small children to take care. We are crones. 

To my relief and delight, on this very same shopping trip, I ran into old friend. She is 10 years my senior. We talked a little and then gave each other a big hug. I missed her and thought of her all the time. I cannot remember why we stopped hanging out together. We talked for about a half hour and decided we needed to get back to our errands.  At that point, we exchanged phone numbers.  We also planned a lunch date. Of course, we both had to check out our schedule. As you know, everything is planned and written down in advance.

 Funny thing, when I first looked at her. I did not see the parts of her that were spreading out, falling down and flapping in the breeze. All I saw was the shine in her eyes and her beautiful soul that shined through them.  

Therefore, as I see it, I have two choices, not really, whom I am fooling. I have one choice and that is to except my fate. I am an old crone and I will not be getting any younger. Therefore, I will embrace my age, accept my medal of honor, and make use of my time to use it for good and enjoy the rest of my life.

It is a matter of TIME

 pamelarichardson.blogspot.com

We all struggle with time. Time either goes to slow or to fast but in reality it is always the same constant. Therefore, I thought we would look at this thing, TIME.

Here are some of the saying I hear about time, let check them out.

                                                                                       pamelarichardson.blogspot.com

# Time is of the Essence. #           

What is Essence anyways?                 

Here is the definition from dictionary:

1.       The basic, real, and invariable nature of a thing or its significant individual feature or features’.

2.       A substance obtained from a plant, drug, or the like, by distillation, infusion, etc. and containing its characteristic properties in concentrated form.

3.       An alcoholic solution of an essential oil; spirit.

4.       The inward nature, true substance, or constitution of anything, as opposed to what is accidental, phenomenal or  illusory

OK.I am glad that Essence is now been cleared up here. It sounds like we drink it and get intoxicated off time to me.  No wonder we keep losing time.

                                   pamelarichardson.blogspot.com                               

Albert Einstein said time is an illusion.

I tend to believe him.  We perceive it to be going faster or slower yet it does not change. And you can never catch up to it. It is always on the horizon just out of reach. Yet, it is always with you but you cannot touch it.

                                                pamelarichardson.blogspot.com

Time marches on.

 How can it march on, it has no legs. A clock may have arms but no legs maybe that is why sometimes it seems to be dragging.

                                                          pamelarichardson.blogspot.com

Time stood still.

Time cannot stand still. It is constant and always moving. Here we go again. How can it be constant and be moving? And again time has no legs to stand on.

Definition of constant

1.       Ever present always present or available

2.       Happening or done repeatedly or made again and again

3.       Not changing or varying remaining the same and not varying with change in other things.

Time must get awfully tired because it is constantly repeating itself. .

Time heals all wounds

Time will never heal wounds, maybe cover them up with a scar. You can still experience numbness and pain sometime when you touch it.  Anyone knows that.

Anyways these are just a few things I think about TIME

Coupons are great

Coupons are great.  I use them for a lot of things. It’s a bonus if you get a coupon for something already on sale. I get my paper on Sunday and look at the ads. I get my coupon magazine and scissors in hand, scope the ads and coordinate them with the sales.  Rebates are great also. It doesn’t matter if it’s an in store rebate or just cash back, it gets used. Buy one get one free is most always used. They are awesome.

I plan our meals around what’s on sale. Weekly menu is always in mind when I go to the grocery store. Life can be unpredictable though and sometimes I am not able to start dinner on time, so I go out to a fast food place to get hamburgers or whatever.  You guessed it, there’s a coupon for that also.

We don’t do extreme couponing, only things we need. That would be wasteful to have too much in inventory. The C.O. would have serious issues.  Waste not wants not is one of his mottos.

We also have gas cards that give back 1% on the gas we buy; I know that’s not much, but every penny counts.  I use coupons along with my gas card. We get a flier once a month with gas coupons they range from 5 to 10 cents off. My main grocery store even has a rewards card. Every $50 you spend in groceries you get 5 cents off gas at their designated gas station. Hey $50 at the grocery store is nothing these days. 

Now, I believed I was thrifty before I meet the C.O. he has put a new definition on thrifty for me.  Heavens forbid I do anything without checking the ads for deals.  There will be no impulsive buying in this house. If by chance, you get home with your new purchase Ads are scoped again and if new purchase is found to be a better deal elsewhere, you should be able to take it back in and have the retailer match that price. If they are unable to do that, you need to return item and purchase is made at better deal retailer.  I have to ask though about the use of gas for this procedure.

One day I was out doing some errands and I needed gas, I always have a 5 cent gas coupon in my wallet, so I used that. I got home and the C.O. saw that I had gotten gas. Did you use a coupon? “Yes” I said. “How much of a coupon was it” asked the C.O.?” A 5 cent one” I answered.   “We have a 10 cent one here at home, why didn’t you use that one.” I just lifted my eye brows tightened my lips and went on with my day.

Now that I have said all that, the big question here is. Does this make us smart savvy shoppers or lab rats running on our treadmills to survive the environment we are given?

My need for direction

My need for direction

I don’t know about you but I need directions. I am not saying I am going to follow them right from the start. I just need something to refer to once everything appears screwed up; then I can go back and make the appropriate adjustments. Hopefully!

I have never been one to follow directions; anyone that knows me, knows this. I have always been one that just whipped it out and stood back to see the results, be it a recipe, painting or just about anything else that I did.  Having to follow a strict rigid order for things rubs me the wrong way. This is possibly why math is a foreign language to me.

In my younger days when attending classes, I kept hearing rumors of structure and rules. There is a process to creating something. I was confused and frustrated. Don’t you just do it? 

I blame this on my Grandmother who I cherished; I cherished both in different ways. Grandma Stanfield told me that life is about the journey and God will take care of me. If I listen to him, he would show me who I am supposed to be. I figured that she must have known what she was talking about cause she had all kinds of things going on. She was a willow tree. In fact, her yard was full of willow trees. I doubt if this was on purpose but it was a kind of oddity.

Willow trees have roots that spread far and wide. They are also as deep as the tree is tall. Because of the root system, the tree stands firm and has the ability to bend and be flexible. I have always loved this tree.

Both my Grandmothers were greatly religious, my other Grandmother, Grandma Johnson, lived a very stiff and structured life. At least that was my perspective of things. Not appealing to me, although I am drawn to structured people. Probable for my own survival, someone has to do it. I am mediocre in that department. Free spirit.   Grandmother Johnson was a great artist with her pie making and needlework. She was very much Scandinavian you know kept it all in and did not let anyone know what was bothering her. Although, she did  have the temper that I never saw but heard rumors.

It is amazing how we can look at our family history and see how and why we are who we are. It’s hard to say if it is genetics or nurturing. Of course, I believe it is a mix.

Anyways, I forgot to listen. For years now, I have been out in the willy-nilly world doing my own thing. When I WAS GROWING UP THERE WAS ONE STUCTURED THING THAT I HAD TO DO AND THAT WAS GOING TO CHURCH AND SUNDAY SCHOOL. FOLLOW THE GOLDEN RULES. I had years of training and loved every minute of it. I always referred back when things are messed up.

I have returned to my roots, I am attending a Lutheran church. I have spent many years searching for the right religion, as my boys will confirm. They say they are not religious but I know all those years dragging them to different churches in the youth have made them the fine men they are now.  Although I had gave up for quite a few years. I have decided that any church that expounds love of humankind and self is all right with me. I just feel comfortable with this church.

I am not saying I have done terrible sins against humankind or to the people I love. Although, I must say I am not sinless. I am just saying I forgot to love and let love be. Let love be. Life is love. Let it be. Let it be however it is and just except and trust. Be a willow tree. Do not forget a willow tree has deep and shallow roots to help it bend.