There is a bad storm coming

There is a bad storm coming. It has been rumbling off in the distance for a long time now. I have always loved a good storm. That is Mother Nature’s storms. It is true though that Mother Nature does not discriminate.  She takes damaged and healthy out in her path. Although in time, there is always new growth after the storm. The clean smell in the air is always a welcome result.  Everything is now refreshed and nourished.

This is not a storm created by Mother Nature. This is a personal storm. The first wave came in last week. Actually, the storms have been coming in for years, probable 45 years now. I am 55 yrs. old.  Storms are always in the distance. As I said, I like storms.  I always have.

My father was an alcoholic, his father an alcoholic. It makes sense that I would accept this behavior as normal. I was the first-born female in the family and have a great caregiver attitude. I am also co-dependent and an enabler. You see I cannot look at myself with too much honesty. I would blow up.  It has taken me a week and a half to be able to write again.

Living with and choosing to stay with an alcoholic is always a hard choice. What else can you do? You love them.  It makes it harder when this person cannot admit it to themselves the truth. It also makes it hard when you yourself cannot admit to yourself that you also have a problem.

Sometimes things happen that bring you to your knees. Life is no longer the same and there are changes coming that you have no control over.  Your first response is fight or flight. First, I fought (which is why we separated) Then I wanted to run. I cannot run because I would be running from myself. I cannot fight because I would be fighting against myself. It would only be repeating the same patterns. I must stay and learn to let go. I must listen and learn to love not control.  I must learn to heal myself first in the present situation. Otherwise, I cannot grow.

I have taken the first steps to help myself. I have attended some Al-anon meetings.  I should have talked to Bill Alexander more when he lived right down the road from me. I was too proud and Self-righteous. I am not doing this to help the C.O. I am doing this for myself.

This situation is not about The C.O. It is about my problem and me. I love the C.O. and always will. Wherever this storm takes us, I will accept. I know that there is new growth and things always smell fresh and clean afterwards.

 

 

It goes with the decor

 This weekend I was trying to clean out the closets and the spare bedroom. They are both massively cluttered with treasures.  I have been looking at different decorating ideas and thought it would be nice to redecorate. Well, first of all the C.O. freaks when I say redecorate even a little. Havens forbid I even change the furniture around. Change is not easy for the C.O.

I had my box of stuff to send to the goodwill sitting on the kitchen table. The C.O. walked in and asked about what I had in the box.

“Stuff to go to the goodwill” I said.

“No, wait a minute I need to go though it,” he said. You guessed it. Half the stuff came back out of the box. “What’s wrong with the ceramic bunny rabbit,” he said confused.

Other then there is no need for it. The bunny was part of some Easter stuff I got from my mother in-law as an Easter basket.  Yes, she still gives us an Easter basket. More stuff.

I remember about five years ago, it was the C.O.s birthday and a neighbor friend of his brought over a surprise. He had made it special just for the C.O. Now I am sure he did it for a joke, the C.O. likes beer, as do most men.   I heard the C.O. say to him, “Sure, we can take that lamp.”” It will go with the décor.”

 

After all nothing else in this house goes together, why start now. Really, sometimes I feel like Ma from Ma and Pa kettle.  

When I first meet the C.O., it was love at first sight. After the normal two or three weeks, he invited me into his home. I was so excited to see his three-story log cabin.

 “Wow, your house is so retro” I said “I love it” famous last words.  There were two couches one pink and the other green both from the 1940. There were old lamps and an old radio. Also, there was a chair from the 1970s, which sat in the living room. In addition, lots, and lots of salt and peppershakers.  They were strategically arranged all through the house mostly on brown put together k-mart specials shelving. There was also an old round dinner table with chairs from the 1960.

When I first moved in the first thing that changed was the salt and peppershakers. They all went into boxes. I did keep on display Sargent pepper and uncle Salty because I like them.  

We have learned to compromise. As you can see, I have the C.O.s treasured deer skull in the middle of all my fine china and Depression glass.

 

 

Now I have lived here for going on 17 years and we now have an eclectic bunch of crap downsized to a manageable bunch of treasures. Although it is still eclectic, it is manageable.

The C.O. comes from it honestly his mother is a hoarders. She is a clean and organized hoarder, but a hoarder at that.  I could relate because my mother is also a hoarder. My mother is not as clean and organized though.  I am sure it is from growing up in the depression.  

 

I never could understand why anyone would want so many treasures. I guess I take after my grandma Johnson. Grandma Johnson only had what she needed. I am sure it is because you have to clean your treasures. She cleaned every day. She even ironed her sheets and underwear. Do not ask me why, I guess that is what they did in those days.  Grandma Johnson was a farm wife. Anyway, until I meet the C.O. my home was always streamlined for cleaning. I never had more than a few knickknacks.

One time I went over to a friend’s house when she was moving into a new home. She had boxes of stuff everywhere. “I just don’t know where to put everything,” she said. They had downsized and did not have as much square footage.  “I keep getting things from my mother and my mother in law,” she went on to say.  “I cannot get rid of it because it would break their hearts if they came over and did not see their items they gave me.”

I nodded my head and said “me to”.

“Oh you’re the keeper of stuff to’” she replied.

“YEP” I said.

Anyways, I understand the need for treasures. After all, I still have my rock and my roster.  I just hope my kids like all our stuff.

 

It is a big world

I was not going to post anything today. I was taking an afternoon off. So since I do still have to sit in the office, to answer the phone if it did ring I was surfing the net.

I ran across this video. At first, I was going to click back because the song was to slow for my taste. Then I watched the story. It touched home for me. I grow up in a small town and not everyone liked me. I had friends but not many.

Somehow, I know that this is a big world and there are many people in it. I have always known this. Whenever I feel lost and alone I know that, I am not alone. There are people out there that do get me. All I had to do was get out into the world and meet them. It has taken me far with this attitude. So please if you are out there and feel stuck and alone just remember. It is a big world and there are people out there that will get you. You just have to get out there and take chances.  

                             

From u-tub aviciis Wake Me Up

What makes you happy

This is just a post extension from yesterday. I thought I would write about all the things that excite me or make me happy. This is going to be short and sweet. After all, it is summer and a beautiful day.

10. A beautiful sunrise or sunset.

Nothing better than the beauty of nature and every sunrise and sunset is different.

9. New shoes that do not hurt my feet.

I hate when you try them on at the store and then get home. You go for a walk and you now have blisters.

8. When I see a relative or friend, I have not seen for a while.

I love my family and friends and I realize that we are all busy with our own lives.  This is why it is always good to schedule some time together.

7. Having my whole family over for dinner.

I love to cook and who better to cook for then the ones you love.

6. The sound of a storm coming in.

I love storms. Unless they are severe then I do not like them.

5. Walking barefoot in the freshly cutgrass.

Nothing better than the soft feeling of grass on your bare feet.

4. Trying out a new recipe and having it be great.

It is always scary to try new things.

3. Taking a great picture.

Photography is one of my life passions and I do not get to play with it that much.

2. Listening to the C.O. snoring next to me in bed.

You may ask why. Because it is better than not having him there.  He could be dead and then I would miss his snoring.

1.       Seeing my children happy.

 

Everyone wants his or her children to be happy.