There is a bad storm coming

There is a bad storm coming. It has been rumbling off in the distance for a long time now. I have always loved a good storm. That is Mother Nature’s storms. It is true though that Mother Nature does not discriminate.  She takes damaged and healthy out in her path. Although in time, there is always new growth after the storm. The clean smell in the air is always a welcome result.  Everything is now refreshed and nourished.

This is not a storm created by Mother Nature. This is a personal storm. The first wave came in last week. Actually, the storms have been coming in for years, probable 45 years now. I am 55 yrs. old.  Storms are always in the distance. As I said, I like storms.  I always have.

My father was an alcoholic, his father an alcoholic. It makes sense that I would accept this behavior as normal. I was the first-born female in the family and have a great caregiver attitude. I am also co-dependent and an enabler. You see I cannot look at myself with too much honesty. I would blow up.  It has taken me a week and a half to be able to write again.

Living with and choosing to stay with an alcoholic is always a hard choice. What else can you do? You love them.  It makes it harder when this person cannot admit it to themselves the truth. It also makes it hard when you yourself cannot admit to yourself that you also have a problem.

Sometimes things happen that bring you to your knees. Life is no longer the same and there are changes coming that you have no control over.  Your first response is fight or flight. First, I fought (which is why we separated) Then I wanted to run. I cannot run because I would be running from myself. I cannot fight because I would be fighting against myself. It would only be repeating the same patterns. I must stay and learn to let go. I must listen and learn to love not control.  I must learn to heal myself first in the present situation. Otherwise, I cannot grow.

I have taken the first steps to help myself. I have attended some Al-anon meetings.  I should have talked to Bill Alexander more when he lived right down the road from me. I was too proud and Self-righteous. I am not doing this to help the C.O. I am doing this for myself.

This situation is not about The C.O. It is about my problem and me. I love the C.O. and always will. Wherever this storm takes us, I will accept. I know that there is new growth and things always smell fresh and clean afterwards.