As women what do you do for yourself?

What do we do as women for ourselves?
This question was presented to me years ago in a woman’s health class. Of course, the instructor calls on me. Maybe I looked like someone that needed a wakeup call.

I replied, “I get my hair done, buy new clothes.”  Decorate my house and I work out every day.

No, she said. What do you do for yourself? You buy new outfits and have your hair done for others, so you look good for them. You decorate your house so other people will see what a good decorator you are. You do these things for your man and other people.

Oh sure painting your toenails and cutting your hair in a new wacky way is fun.  However, is it something that we are doing for our health? Our mental health.  Recharging our energy.

This got me to thinking. At the time I was taking this class, I had two sons and a husband. I was going to school and working a part time job. What was I doing for myself? Well I was taking this class for one thing. However, that was it. Most of my day is consumed with taking care of others.

We are preoccupied with helping others all day. This is true unless you are an Ice Queen then you have no need to read this article. Stop now and join the cold bitches face book. Yes, there is one and here is the link.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Cold-bitches/240865429344264

So what can we do for ourselves?  Our nature is to make sure that our loved ones are happy. I do not know about you but when one of my loved one’s is unhappy, I am unhappy.  I stress out about how to make them happy. There is no way around this predisposed behavior we have. We just have to learn to help solve this problem without losing our self in the process.

Do not lose yourself. This is why I am writing this blog. So far, the C.O has stayed away and good because he would have a heart attract from all my type o’s and misspellings of word.  In addition, the word context errors would drive him through the roof. Any ways if he helped it would not be mine anymore it would be ours.  “As long as you are having fun”, he said. How cute, little old me trying to write something other people would be interested in reading.  

So anyways, we need to forgive ourselves for not being perfect and unable to solve every problem all the time. Who can? Why try? Really, I am serious. We can voice our opinion. We can offer a helping hand. We can lend a shoulder to cry on when needed.

Second, we should allow ourselves to take a nap when we get the chance. So what, the laundry need to be done, it will still be there in 20 minutes. What the heck, it is always there. There is always something that needs to be done and it drives me crazy. Huh, why wasn’t that on my boring list. I think I could write a novel on what bores me. Maybe I will. OK, I just checked it out.  A novella is 20,000 to 50,000 words long. I could do that.  How about you, could you write a novella on all the things that bore you in your daily routine.

We should take a day or just an afternoon off just for whatever we want to do. Well, that would be nice. Sometimes that works out for me. Actually, this is something we need to do. Even if you are a single mother, get someone to baby sit. Most importantly if you are a single mother. Get someone to babysit. You need it. If you can arrange it, take a week. Heck, take a month if you can. I was there and I know it is hard. No wait I mean hell.

Take a yoga class. I love yoga!  Here is where I get my yoga information.

http://www.yogajournal.com/livemag/

I practice it at home and sometimes I attend a class. The problem is while I am in a down dog pose, all I am thinking about is when are we going to be done. I have so much to do today. Usually though when we finish I am relaxed and refreshed and ready for the rest of the day. As soon as I leave the class, the phone will ring and someone has a problem.  My Zen is now gone and I am back to where I was before I came into my class. I must say though it is helping little by little.

Keep a journal so we can go back and see what unhealthy patterns we are following or what we have been doing good with and reinforcing it. I just started doing this. Amazing how I have gotten to be this age and have not really done this.

Saying no when you mean no. This has been said to us repeatedly but yet we hesitate to really practice this. Here is a scenario. You really do not want to get the stupid baseball game. However, you go anyways. Thought out the whole trip you are angry, mumbling under your breath because you would much rather be somewhere else. Anywhere but where you are. Now are you having fun and is the person that you are with having fun?  They can tell you are not because you are not smiling. They can hear your sarcasm and you keep mumbling under your breath. Now if you would have said no, stuck to it and had someone else go with this person. Someone that wanted to really go. You would probably be taking a long bath with wine and candles and then taking a nap.

OK, I am done with the blah, blah, blah, now with all that said. Bottom line. You know who you are. If you do not know who you are, figure it out, fast! Then claim your power. Do not be afraid of it. Do not let anyone take it away from you. In addition, do not take it away from others.  Now get out there, and be woman. Empowered women that claim their power and know what they need for themselves.  And take naps, when they want to.

Boiling Water

Now in my 55^th year on this earth you would think I would have everything figured out.  Well just because I know it, does not mean I will practice or follow it. So from now on, I will start practicing and following the golden rules of everything. Maybe they are not golden rules, but just general knowledge. I realize this is a big endeavor but here goes I am ripping the Band-Aid off.  

1^st golden rule I will tackle is a watched pot never boils. I do not know if this is a golden rule but it is a saying. The water does eventually boil but standing there and waiting only stresses me out. I am in a hurry and I want to get that pasta in the water so I lift the lid to check the water, only to cool the water off and have it take even longer.  Have you been there?

Things in life take time. With technology, the way it is everyone wants instant results. We have come to expect this.  Everyone is in a hurry and stressed out. Things are not going the way I want so I am agitated and rushed. When I am in that mode I tend to not see or feel what is really going on. I am not breathing. My ability to assess and respond to the situation at hand, reduced.

Sure it’s just boiling water or is it?  It was probable a bad day at work, things were out of my control. Maybe someone cut me off on your way home and I have let it fester. Maybe I am tired and I do not want to be cooking dinner anyways. Maybe it is not the water.  Therefore, I need to examine why I am standing over a pot of water waiting for it to boil, as if I can speed up the process.

I am going to breathe from now on.  This is something I have learned in yoga and meditation. When things are not going my way, I will open my senses and assess my truths. I will be proactive in searching for why I am standing over a pot of water, waiting for it to boil. I will be patient with myself and if need be walk away for a while.

This is my flow of things from now on.

Pamela Richardson

There is a bad storm coming

There is a bad storm coming. It has been rumbling off in the distance for a long time now. I have always loved a good storm. That is Mother Nature’s storms. It is true though that Mother Nature does not discriminate.  She takes damaged and healthy out in her path. Although in time, there is always new growth after the storm. The clean smell in the air is always a welcome result.  Everything is now refreshed and nourished.

This is not a storm created by Mother Nature. This is a personal storm. The first wave came in last week. Actually, the storms have been coming in for years, probable 45 years now. I am 55 yrs. old.  Storms are always in the distance. As I said, I like storms.  I always have.

My father was an alcoholic, his father an alcoholic. It makes sense that I would accept this behavior as normal. I was the first-born female in the family and have a great caregiver attitude. I am also co-dependent and an enabler. You see I cannot look at myself with too much honesty. I would blow up.  It has taken me a week and a half to be able to write again.

Living with and choosing to stay with an alcoholic is always a hard choice. What else can you do? You love them.  It makes it harder when this person cannot admit it to themselves the truth. It also makes it hard when you yourself cannot admit to yourself that you also have a problem.

Sometimes things happen that bring you to your knees. Life is no longer the same and there are changes coming that you have no control over.  Your first response is fight or flight. First, I fought (which is why we separated) Then I wanted to run. I cannot run because I would be running from myself. I cannot fight because I would be fighting against myself. It would only be repeating the same patterns. I must stay and learn to let go. I must listen and learn to love not control.  I must learn to heal myself first in the present situation. Otherwise, I cannot grow.

I have taken the first steps to help myself. I have attended some Al-anon meetings.  I should have talked to Bill Alexander more when he lived right down the road from me. I was too proud and Self-righteous. I am not doing this to help the C.O. I am doing this for myself.

This situation is not about The C.O. It is about my problem and me. I love the C.O. and always will. Wherever this storm takes us, I will accept. I know that there is new growth and things always smell fresh and clean afterwards.

 

 

It goes with the decor

 This weekend I was trying to clean out the closets and the spare bedroom. They are both massively cluttered with treasures.  I have been looking at different decorating ideas and thought it would be nice to redecorate. Well, first of all the C.O. freaks when I say redecorate even a little. Havens forbid I even change the furniture around. Change is not easy for the C.O.

I had my box of stuff to send to the goodwill sitting on the kitchen table. The C.O. walked in and asked about what I had in the box.

“Stuff to go to the goodwill” I said.

“No, wait a minute I need to go though it,” he said. You guessed it. Half the stuff came back out of the box. “What’s wrong with the ceramic bunny rabbit,” he said confused.

Other then there is no need for it. The bunny was part of some Easter stuff I got from my mother in-law as an Easter basket.  Yes, she still gives us an Easter basket. More stuff.

I remember about five years ago, it was the C.O.s birthday and a neighbor friend of his brought over a surprise. He had made it special just for the C.O. Now I am sure he did it for a joke, the C.O. likes beer, as do most men.   I heard the C.O. say to him, “Sure, we can take that lamp.”” It will go with the décor.”

 

After all nothing else in this house goes together, why start now. Really, sometimes I feel like Ma from Ma and Pa kettle.  

When I first meet the C.O., it was love at first sight. After the normal two or three weeks, he invited me into his home. I was so excited to see his three-story log cabin.

 “Wow, your house is so retro” I said “I love it” famous last words.  There were two couches one pink and the other green both from the 1940. There were old lamps and an old radio. Also, there was a chair from the 1970s, which sat in the living room. In addition, lots, and lots of salt and peppershakers.  They were strategically arranged all through the house mostly on brown put together k-mart specials shelving. There was also an old round dinner table with chairs from the 1960.

When I first moved in the first thing that changed was the salt and peppershakers. They all went into boxes. I did keep on display Sargent pepper and uncle Salty because I like them.  

We have learned to compromise. As you can see, I have the C.O.s treasured deer skull in the middle of all my fine china and Depression glass.

 

 

Now I have lived here for going on 17 years and we now have an eclectic bunch of crap downsized to a manageable bunch of treasures. Although it is still eclectic, it is manageable.

The C.O. comes from it honestly his mother is a hoarders. She is a clean and organized hoarder, but a hoarder at that.  I could relate because my mother is also a hoarder. My mother is not as clean and organized though.  I am sure it is from growing up in the depression.  

 

I never could understand why anyone would want so many treasures. I guess I take after my grandma Johnson. Grandma Johnson only had what she needed. I am sure it is because you have to clean your treasures. She cleaned every day. She even ironed her sheets and underwear. Do not ask me why, I guess that is what they did in those days.  Grandma Johnson was a farm wife. Anyway, until I meet the C.O. my home was always streamlined for cleaning. I never had more than a few knickknacks.

One time I went over to a friend’s house when she was moving into a new home. She had boxes of stuff everywhere. “I just don’t know where to put everything,” she said. They had downsized and did not have as much square footage.  “I keep getting things from my mother and my mother in law,” she went on to say.  “I cannot get rid of it because it would break their hearts if they came over and did not see their items they gave me.”

I nodded my head and said “me to”.

“Oh you’re the keeper of stuff to’” she replied.

“YEP” I said.

Anyways, I understand the need for treasures. After all, I still have my rock and my roster.  I just hope my kids like all our stuff.